A Shift In Identity

Showing up as we are in new relationships after divorce.

After a thirty-year relationship, I became single in the summer of 2022. The decision was mutual and did not come easy to either of us. My ex-husband and I grew up together. We were only kids when we met - I was seventeen! You want different things for yourself as a teenager than you do in your forties. We planned a life together that included marriage, a house and having a family, but we had never discussed what our golden years would look like. That seemed so far off in the distance at the time and we would cross that bridge when we came to it. Surprisingly, we approached that bridge faster than expected. As we lived out our dreams together, compromises were made about education, careers, homes, kids, and childcare. I can’t speak for my ex, but I have no regrets for that chapter. None. We raised two amazing boys who mean the world to us. My ex and I spent many years together. Not all of them happy – but many! The subject of retirement began to surface as we approached our forties and we knew in our hearts that we were not aligned.

When we separated, I decided to focus on myself and took time to really discover on what my needs and wants were. There had been a lot of shared loss in our marriage – babies, friends, and family.

I had spent far too long in survival mode and I felt discombobulated as my identity began to shift. I was no longer a wife. This was was both frightening and liberating all at the same time.

I’ve always been a ‘people’ person and enjoy the company of others. I had never envisioned growing old alone, but here I was single, starting over at age 48 and facing that possibility. I was in no hurry to meet anyone after my marriage ended. I moved into a place of my own and learned how to live alone. I had never experienced that before. I made therapy a priority and took notes vigorously in my pretty yellow Filofax like the nerd I am. I absorbed everything Diane had to say and put the tools she provided me with into practise. I began to feel again. Really feel. I had been sad for so damn long but couldn’t remember the last time I had really cried. Like, a release type of cry. In the early days of being in my new space, I was doing a lot of crying. I went into a cocoon state of being, shed a lot of hurt and emerged anew. It was a much-needed process. I made a list of things I wanted to do and places I wanted to see. I read, I explored my new neighbourhood and I relaxed. I had done many of the relaxing things we’re supposed to do while in survival mode in an attempt to calm the chaos, (spas, massages, bubble baths) but it wasn’t until I was on my own that I regained the ability to really relax.

It was more than a year of living the single life before Bryan appeared in my world. He brings with him kindness, partnership, and protection. There was comfort in his presence from the first moment we met. He had already reached the 50-year milestone birthday when we met, and I was only a couple of years away from it. (it’s creeping up on me!) Change has never been easy for me though. I had experienced so much change in recent times and was just beginning to feel settled in being okay with the realization that although my circumstances were different now, I was still the same person. And although there are layers of grief to work through, I do not want to be anyone else. I like who I am at my core!

I was worried about entangling my identity with someone else. I was struggling to fully surrender to this new relationship.

I talked to Diane, my therapist, about this and she shared some words of wisdom with me. I’m paraphrasing but it was something to the effect of “You are in a new chapter now. You and your ex grew into your identities together because you were so young when you met. You learned how to parent together and had career choices to make together but now, you can come to the table with someone new without it being necessary to entangle your identities with one another. You can grow parallel to one another instead. Grow side by side as the individuals that you are. Be you. And he can be him.” (My notes are in point form so I am paraphrasing here, but they were words of wisdom)

This is the beauty of coming together later in life. Here in my late forties, I’m not looking for a partner to be the parent of my children. My ex and I are the parents. Bryan and I are already established in our careers and have our own separate interests and hobbies. We have our own circles of friends and our own social commitments that we want to honour. Because of this, we have so much to offer and to receive from one another. We know what brings contentment, joy and happiness to our lives as individuals. Being in this relationship allows us to share that goodness with one another and be ourselves. We have come together to build and share a life as two separate people. There is no fear of having to weave or merge our identities into one another. Much of who I am was shaped by my relationship with my ex. Our identities will be forever intertwined in some capacity as we step away from the life that served us for decades but no longer does. With Bryan, I can still be that person, and with that knowing brings relief.

There is less fright than I once imagined there to be and I find this new chapter to be freeing. It’s a long-awaited chance for us both to truly feel happiness as individuals as we make our respective retirement dreams our realities and prepare for our golden years. Our separation has given us the opportunity to flourish into all we need to be for ourselves and show up in our new relationships as we are. As the person I already am.

Photo by Bookblock on Unsplash