It Feels Like Yellow
Joy and Unhappiness can co-exist - and it feels like yellow.
“Those aren’t feelings or scents!” my partner tells me when I say something feels like yellow, or smells like sunshine. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. I absorb moments so deeply at times that the experience will infuse my other senses.
Yellow. It is my most favourite colour because of the emotion it evokes from within. It is that feeling when joy and heartache find balance. Similar to acceptance, but deeper. And wider. It floods my being. Some might call it inner peace? It is the knowing that everything is not okay, being okay with that, all the while feeling the sunniness of gratitude for all that is good in the world. It is the warmth of gratefulness and the sorrow of heartache balanced, and all wrapped into a coziness that feels like yellow to me.
It is the inner brightness we feel with our early morning coffee watching the sun rise and being deeply appreciative for this new day, while also having the capacity to balance the weight of knowing that tragedy lurks out there. For somebody somewhere on this planet, it is inevitable that this beautiful day will turn out to be the worst one yet in someone’s life.
It is the monochromatic room you walk in to, then notice a pop of colour and all of a sudden the space feels less serious.
It is the terrible day you’re having when the phone rings, and the caller ID is that of someone who brings joy to your heart.
It’s when you cautiously begin to emerge from a place of isolation because you feel seen and heard in that moment. A bright spot in the darkness.
It is the visceral effect of joy and unhappiness co-existing. It is a state of being for me.
It has taken a long time to navigate just how to express the gratitude I have for the beauty of my life at this stage, because much of the joy I am able to generate today is linked to the healing work I’ve done after loss. Since losing my son - the saddest thing I have ever faced - I’ve learned that I am not alone in the hesitation to admit there can be happiness amidst heartache. The Mom Guilt surrounding that was STRONG for way too long, I tell ya.
I am forever changed because of Declan’s existence. Striving to honour my baby’s legacy is what has led me to living a life where joy and unhappiness have found harmony. Recognizing this balance within my being took time, and a lot of healing work was done to get here. It’s a process that cannot be named but it is felt deeply - and it feels like yellow to me.
Read your post and re-subscribed here. Tech issues are the pits, but I'm glad you got it squared away and like the new space.