Loss Discovered Within Loss

When death occurs in the ex-family.

Yesterday my aunt died. She was actually my ex-husband‘s aunt, but mine by marriage for thirty years. I spent a fair amount of quality time connecting with Aunt Pat, especially when my kids were young. More time than he ever did with her.

Her daughter, my cousin, (his cousin) called me to let me know right away that she had passed, but my ex-husband did not. I waited all day to hear from him, but he did not reach out. Should he have though? At first I was hurt that he would keep this from me but then realized that likely wasn’t the case at all. The thought probably didn’t even occur to him to tell me.

Since our separation, I’ve been struggling with identifying my place in the Jamieson family. I’m not so certain I even have one when it comes to my mother and father in-law anymore. The saddens me for so many reasons; it is not how I envisioned our relationship to be. I stay connected regularly with all of Chris’ cousins and I see my brother-in-law and nieces often, but my in laws it seems have needed distance to cope with the changes in our family. Textbook avoidant nature, disguised as disrespect. I get it.

Yesterday was another revelation for me in this divorce journey. I am letting go of the expectation that news such as a death in the family will come from my ex or his parents. It seems our separation means I’ve been relieved by them of my duties of being the organizer, event planner and family decision maker. Alongside this dismissiveness comes a personal and powerful release though. The family no longer feels a need to notify me of things because they no longer depend on me to direct them towards next steps. This is essential for my own healing but will take time to get used to and in the process am grieving the person I was for thirty years in times such as this. She would have been expected to step right in, take care of everyone’s needs and execute the game plan, all the while depleting herself and abandoning her own needs. This loss in our family yesterday amplifies the loss of that version of myself too.

Instead of being upset that I was not informed of Aunt Pat’s passing, I will accept that this is how it just is now. I will search for peace by reflecting on the good times we had and honour her memory in my own way.

Photo by Toni Reed on Unsplash